ADVENTURES OF 2 GUYS, 1 GIRL AND A PET HAMSTER

Mark Zuckerberg will never be able to comprehend the extent of disruption he caused when he created Facebook. Not because The Man has raped social media for all it’s worth to sell you more things you don’t need. It’s because he single-handedly made being newly Single so much harder than it already is.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think social media kills personal relationships. From flirting on your Wall through inside jokes & secrets, making your relationship ‘Facebook Official’ to publicly declaring your undying adoration for each other in a profile picture, it’s all fun, games, shits and giggles until your happiness ends in tears and you have to deal with the horrible fallout from changing your status back to ‘Single’. And let’s not forget intrusive jerkoffs commenting on the fact that you are now alone, or starting awkward conversations with people in real life because you don’t have to tell them…they already know.

Post-break up, you can be sure to cue the passive aggressive, overly cryptic updates and flurry of party photos with attractive strangers because “Look at me! I’m having a good time - I don’t need you in my life!”. I’ll come clean. This was me 2 years ago. Over-dramatic swings of emotion, a word vomit of verbalized feelings…”I don’t love you anymore, goodbye” for one minute and “What went wrong? I gave you everything!” a second later.

Which leads me to… the obsessive cyber-stalking of your former partner’s profile. It was like a sickness that consumed me. Wow, if they gave out awards for how many times you refreshed a person’s wall, I would have won a couple of trophies (or digital restraining orders). I’d like to think I was pretty skilled in the game of ‘Let’s obsessively speculate who your ex is currently having sex with” or “This bitch is a new friend and is commenting on their Wall - they must be in love!”…the latter unfortunately becoming true in the case of a past lover.

And just think, all of this could have been prevented if we had never turned on the ‘we’re in a relationship’ switch. But you know what they say, if it ain’t on Facebook, it doesn’t exist.

This time around, lines have been drawn and things have remained civil. I am, after all, 24 months wiser. On most days I possess the will power to prevent myself from lingering over his profile page but the occasional update still catches my eye (damn you News Feed!)

It’s been a month and a half now…and I’m happy to say I’ve made it thus far without engaging in any unhealthy online behavior.

But Mark? It’s still hard and I blame you for all of it.