ADVENTURES OF 2 GUYS, 1 GIRL AND A PET HAMSTER

There really is nothing more therapeutic after a long week at work than a night out in a club so hip it hurts. Of course, nothing is also more painful than blowing through your money, determined to get pissed whilst listening to ass beats and watching ugly strangers hook up. Shit can get pretty bleak quick when you’re single, at a club, and not a complete slut.

The line between having an awesomesauce evening and having to do the walk of shame back home the next morning is about as fine as a shirtless Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid Love (very). And as someone who has unfortunately been on both sides of the fence, I’m going to go ahead and spare you any impending humiliation with my guide to having a good time:

PUT ON YOUR PUMPED UP KICKS

No one wants to look like a homeless person but if dressing to kill involves wearing crippling shoes, ditch it. If you want to sit pretty in front of people, I suggest surgically remove half your brain & joining a pageant.

Last night, I successfully manipulated my feet into a pair of McQueen-esque booties but paid the tender price for it post-dancing when, as luck would have it, there were no cabs and we were forced to walk…such a travesty. 3/4 of the distance through, I gave up, yanked them off and traipsed through the nasty Boat Quay underbelly with my shoes in hand.

The floor was sticky.

Too sticky.

I got home, beelined for the bathroom and scrubbed my feet raw while crying & shaking in the shower.

On that note, the concept of ‘dressing to kill’ puzzles me - my ideal murder outfit would consist of rubber gloves, a raincoat and maybe a hand hook (just for dramatic effect), not short shorts and a top that hardly contains your tits.

TWO’S TOO LITTLE, THREE IS NOT A CROWD

Don’t worry if you’re short of friends to party with because most of them are stuck in the old ball & chain, so in love it’s gross, type relationship - the optimum number of people for optimum amount of fun is three. Too many and it’s a riot (sometimes not a bad thing), too little and you look too much like you’re president and co-chair of the Lonely Hearts club.

Three is also the best number for picking up because you can narrow in and swoop for the kill while her mates gossip jealously about you.

GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME WITH PRE-PARTYING

While it might sound like something you do while still in school, I cannot stress the importance of getting the iPod party started in your living room. Get your mates over, have a couple and kick the night off with choice beats - pre-drinks are the prep rallies of the grown up world. For an extra fun car ride on the way to the club, do one for the road and crack a beer open in the taxi for sharing.

ARE YOU READY FOR THE FLOOR?

But the trick to drowning your singlehood sorrows is letting your hair loose in free-spirited dancing which should follow the drinks. Salsa & swing dance to electro music, do the can-can and sing your hearts out - no one can hear you and no one gives a shit. But advice for anyone who doesn’t want to become a Fail Blog internet celebrity: unless you are a qualified stripper or a learning apprentice, I’d stay away from the pole. The podium however, is an acceptable and reasonable platform for dancing.

WHEN A STRANGER CALLS

This is a subjective one but I am swearing off cheap fucks with other lonely hearts. There is nothing wrong with the story of  “How I met your mommy/daddy at the club” but something about ending it with “And then we had sex and that was that” makes for a pretty shitty fairy tale romance. I get that some people need validation and catharsis in the form of sex but I’m a girl - all I need is a bottle of vodka, a blog to write about ladylike shit like feelings and hugs.

Whilst running to first base is a whole other ball game, under no circumstances should you go home with a stranger. If you do, check the size of his fridge (to see if it fits bodies). You can never be too careful with nutjobs and organ thieves.

And a special mention for post-break up cool cats like me: Arm yourself with fabulous friends who know how to party. It’s not a contest but if they’re hot and fifteen tonnes of fun, you win. Leave the debbie downers at home because it’s not like you don’t have enough emotional baggage of your own. When all is said and done, the night is best rounded off with your favorite buddies you can count on.

With that said, these past weeks have tired me out considerably and I am looking forward to next weekend of board games (yay monopoly) and kite-flying. Have a great week ahead kiddies!