My name is Josie and I live with 2 boys and my pet hamster, Julius Caesar. The boys are kind and the animal bites.
This blog chronicles my misadventures as I (drunkenly) maneuver through the dark tsetse fly-infested swampy marshes of Singlehood. My journey starts here.
So I’ve been away for a while largely because of this terrible sickness. My medication’s adverse effects include excitation and mental confusion so Imma just go ahead and blame my crippling laziness on it. The disease has also reduced me to violent hacking - I swear yesterday a little bit of my lung fell out of my mouth. As a result, I’ve had to re-schedule dates because the only thing sexy about having the cold is greasing Vaporub over your chest.
Not quite as raspy as Selma Simpson but isn’t she such an motivation to quit smoking?
Nothing new to update in my life except for re-acquaintances of pleasant strangers so let’s move on to tales of the 2G1G1H apartment.
This afternoon, our pad was graced by the presence of two friendly policemen as an indirect result of my actions. I wasn’t present but if I had to guess why they were here without fully understanding the situation, it would largely be because of the hallway’s atrocious assault on my nose. No seriously. Damp shoes and carpeting smell like a murder scene of wet puppies. If only Tumblr had a upload function which included Scratch & Sniff…
But on to how I nearly got my flatmate’s girlfriend arrested, let’s call her S.
If you’re living in Singapore, you would probably already realized that tis the season for flash floods and fuck cats & dogs, today it was raining a menagerie of animals. S rings me mid-day because she’s outside the apartment and seeing as to how she doesn’t have a buzzer to the gate, she’s stuck outside getting raped by the wet weather. Unfortunately I was out so clever Josie tells her to shimmy over our gate which has worked for our friends in the past…which she does.
Unfortunately, unlike Antoine Dodson’s bed intruder, in the process of climbing over the wall, she gets caught by a lady in our apartment’s landowner committee. The poor chica gets her soggy ass hauled and lectured whilst looking like a drowned rat. She gets into the house but 45 minutes later the cops come a-knockin’ at our door. I am sure our brave policemen rolled their eyes uncontrollably whilst receiving the complaint (#firstworldproblems, much?) but seeing as to how there wasn’t another dead body at Bedok Reservoir to tend to, I’m guessing they just had to answer her distress call.
The popo were nice about it and issued S a trespassing warning so no harm was done. Although I am guessing this is the last time she will turn to me for advice of any nature.
Just a regular day at the 2G1G1H apartment where the cops show up…have a great week ahead you guys!
Edit: I have just been informed that it was 4 friendly policemen, not 2.
Great. So apparently my clever hamster likes eating his own poop. Meh - I guess this means I can start feeding him less food then.
Feeling mildly obligated to do a quick update because I haven’t posted in a while. As it is almost 2 am, please expect the quality of this post to be more mediocre than it usually gets.
I’d like to think The Human Centipede 3 themed Halloween party I threw almost a success. Not quite an almost 200 attendee-esque bash like the last time but there were no casualties save for the standing fan (the decorative cob webs got caught in the blades and fried the motor) and the AC that we are now unable to switch on. It is unlikely that the electronics in the house will be performing a Skynet uprising anytime soon.
My costume was surprisingly tame even though I wasn’t wearing any pants - so much for all that talk about being a slutty _____. I had 2 costume changes. Liza Minnelli’s cabaret would have been so proud.
Hipster totoro in a love gun dress (not pictured: large furry paws I had to embarrassingly purchase from a cosplay shop) for the house party.
A sunflower to match my new bff’s creepy zombie get up. If you didn’t get that, I don’t think we can be friends.
Anyway, I’m not sure I can call him my bff yet seeing as to how we’ve only known each other for slightly over a month but it feels like I’ve known him since forever. He is amazing, special and full of the kind of awesomeness you’d be hard pressed to find. Chaddar Cheese, I hope you know that meeting you was like finding the secret toy at the bottom of a box of breakfast cereal. You are the MSG seasoning to my cup of instant ramen, the ingredient X to my ho-hum kimchi noodles… the flavor to my life!
I’m still recovering from this weekend’s partying but I will be back soon. I think Caesar the pet hamster is feeling a little left out of the limelight so stay tuned for a post on my favorite silly critter soon!
Halloween is the one time a year a girl gets to dress like a complete slut and no other girls can say anything about it. Not that I’m going to be dressed as a hooker - if anything, I’m more like a classy prostitute. The kind that would hang outside of INSEAD with a book.
Three years ago, I dressed up as the Afghan Girl, with my National Geographic frame in tow. I found out that wearing a burkha and a baju kurung not only makes for extremely challenging dance moves, but also… doesn’t get you any action. This year however, I am determined to inject a little smutty fun with an intelligent costume and what better way to decide what I’ll be wearing for Halloween than to crowdsource for it.
So tell me kind folks of the interwebs, short of animal ears and lingerie, what else could I come as for All Hallow’s Eve?
Because I have effectively made an enemy out of my liver and wallet, the usual weekend debauchery has been interrupted by this evening’s Monopoly night, tomorrow’s kiteflying and a Sunday mid-morning picnic date at the park with pate, cheese, ham, petite baguettes and strawberries.
I’m a little scared because it really doesn’t get any better does it?
I might not have the sort of luck that has me winning the lottery but the right people have always managed to appear in my life at the right time. If a higher power does exists, this would be it. Just the icing on the cake that is already made of the awesomeness of my best buddies.
This post is a little pointless but Friday has just winded down, the 2G1G1H apartment is in a little bit of a mess, I’m tucked in bed and cuddled between the sheets and in one of those moods where I never want to lose this feeling. My mind is drawing slightly to a blank because it is 5.30 in the morning but I will say this…
Today in the mad hi-jinks of 2 guys, A girl & A Pet Hamster, the boys and I clear the refridgerator out!
Always an exciting adventure when you have flatmates that are irregular cooks with a non-existent nasal radar to bad smells. I’m no Monica Gellar and I have had my fair share of sick moments (the people I’ve lived with before can attest to this) but this…was pretty gross. We’ve cleared it out mostly but the kitchen still smells like a used diaper full of indian food. The images that follow might disturb some:
The Great Fridge Freshen Up of 2011 began because a mate of ours had seen this bloated packet of milk hang out in our shelf continuously for 2 weeks. Yoghurt anyone? I tried getting him to eat it but couldn’t rally enough money to make it happen. Sad.
Surprises await in the form of a plate!
Old sausages. And in case you were wondering, they had not prepared ‘sauce’ to go along with it. Leaky rotting meat juice is so yummy!
Mushrooms in a cracked container that leaked all over a shelf. At least, I’m really hoping the mushrooms were already in there from before.
And to clear the stank, a spritz of Spiderman cologne!
No, just kidding. The perfume bottle was empty. Either I’m living with a pedophile or someone actually used this for special occasions. This will be a good time to inform my readers that both boys have hot girlfriends. combatbrodom there’s still hope for you after all, hang in there!
Monopoly night tomorrow with cool cats, it’s gonna be so rad. I’m out!
Mark Zuckerberg will never be able to comprehend the extent of disruption he caused when he created Facebook. Not because The Man has raped social media for all it’s worth to sell you more things you don’t need. It’s because he single-handedly made being newly Single so much harder than it already is.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think social media kills personal relationships. From flirting on your Wall through inside jokes & secrets, making your relationship ‘Facebook Official’ to publicly declaring your undying adoration for each other in a profile picture, it’s all fun, games, shits and giggles until your happiness ends in tears and you have to deal with the horrible fallout from changing your status back to ‘Single’. And let’s not forget intrusive jerkoffs commenting on the fact that you are now alone, or starting awkward conversations with people in real life because you don’t have to tell them…they already know.
Post-break up, you can be sure to cue the passive aggressive, overly cryptic updates and flurry of party photos with attractive strangers because “Look at me! I’m having a good time - I don’t need you in my life!”. I’ll come clean. This was me 2 years ago. Over-dramatic swings of emotion, a word vomit of verbalized feelings…”I don’t love you anymore, goodbye” for one minute and “What went wrong? I gave you everything!” a second later.
Which leads me to… the obsessive cyber-stalking of your former partner’s profile. It was like a sickness that consumed me. Wow, if they gave out awards for how many times you refreshed a person’s wall, I would have won a couple of trophies (or digital restraining orders). I’d like to think I was pretty skilled in the game of ‘Let’s obsessively speculate who your ex is currently having sex with” or “This bitch is a new friend and is commenting on their Wall - they must be in love!”…the latter unfortunately becoming true in the case of a past lover.
And just think, all of this could have been prevented if we had never turned on the ‘we’re in a relationship’ switch. But you know what they say, if it ain’t on Facebook, it doesn’t exist.
This time around, lines have been drawn and things have remained civil. I am, after all, 24 months wiser. On most days I possess the will power to prevent myself from lingering over his profile page but the occasional update still catches my eye (damn you News Feed!)
It’s been a month and a half now…and I’m happy to say I’ve made it thus far without engaging in any unhealthy online behavior.
But Mark? It’s still hard and I blame you for all of it.